The uncomfortable feeling emerges: your neck and face feel hot, your voice starts to shake, and you just want to run out the door. You need to address a conflict, and you feel stuck.

Why is conflict distressing at times? You’re working on something; the other person is working on something. Often, tension occurs when the other person feels their values or intentions are being questioned. Why would she do it that way? Is he purposely hurting the project? It’s so easy to jump to these conclusions. What we don’t realize is that the other person probably has good reasons for their decisions or actions. Or there’s been a misstep, or a misunderstanding of expectations. Yet in a conflict situation, we always go to that initial, hurtful assumption of negative intentions. It doesn’t have to be this way.

If you’re heading into a difficult conversation with someone, try to assume positive intentions.  It starts with you. This is such an important step toward managing the conflict and keeping the relationship intact. Although we can’t control other people’s reactions, we can remember some things that are in our control:

1. Check yourself – what’s your goal in addressing the conflict? When faced with an issue, it’s natural to want to meet it head on and be “right.” However, is being right the only objective? If so, that must mean the other person is wrong, and now it feels like a win/lose situation. Being right can come at a price, and at the detriment of the relationship. Instead, what if we shifted the perspective to see this as a win/win and allowing both parties to be heard? Going into a conflict situation with a goal of seeing how both parties can be heard feels like we’re moving in the right direction toward a pragmatic outcome. 

2. Most people want to be heard more than they want to be right. When a senior leader once shared this with me, it really resonated. How true! Often when my clients are upset about something, that’s not when they want my solution. They want to vent and be heard. So I give them that space, and then I ask questions to draw out what they’re really upset about. This takes courage on your end because you need to resist the urge to just fix it with your solution. Instead, lean in and LISTEN to hear what’s really happening, so you can address the real issue. 

3. Empathy goes a long way. “I hear you.” “Those are valid points.” I find these magic words to go so far when I’m building relationships, especially during a conflict. Long ago, I used to think that if I said these phrases, it meant I was weak or I lost. Not at all. It actually strengthens your credibility as a brave and open individual willing to hear different perspectives. 

4. Seek common ground. We may never convince someone 100%, the same way someone else may not be able to wholly change your mind. Work toward compromise, not total agreement. It’s OK for people to have their view with some wiggle room for change. Try to seek common ground with questions like, “What can we agree on? What values do we have in common here? We’re working toward the same goal; let’s continue that.” And finally, my favorite question is, “What can we let go?” 

5. Not all conflict has to be addressed. Finally, it’s possible that we don’t need to address a conflict at all. Sometimes we can let it go – especially if the stakes aren’t high, or we know the other person is just having a bad day.